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Author Topic:   Fighting fairly
Blue n Gold Sue
Member
posted August 26, 2003 02:15 AM            
I came across this site and for some odd reason, I feel compelled to post this link here. Wonder why?
Rule for fair fighting

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Irascible
Member
posted August 26, 2003 02:49 AM            
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[This message has been edited by Irascible (edited August 26, 2003).]

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SA
Member
posted August 26, 2003 03:55 AM         
quote:

Rule for fair fighting


While the notion of civil rules for fighting is admirable, it is also a fallacy. A true "fight" by definition is not civil. Otherwise what you have is simply a disagreement or difference of opinion.

Now, a fight can still be "fair" from the standpoint that the combatants involved begin on equal terms or have equal numbers. But, expecting the combatants to agree to and abide by a set of rules as if the fight were a sporting contest or competition is blind idealism.

[This message has been edited by SA (edited August 26, 2003).]

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coaxs
Member
posted August 26, 2003 04:26 AM            
SA, the link wasn't for combatant fighting as much as it was for relationship fighting.

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Tread Marks Ladders

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=DNX= Matrix
Member
posted August 26, 2003 07:08 AM            
(14) happens a lot with fights when you drop into "WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU ******************** EH WAS IT OK THEN WAS IT ???" ....... S**t happens.

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Blue n Gold Sue
Member
posted August 26, 2003 11:43 AM            
1. Do not overreact to small things and turn them into major conflict.

2. No hitting below the belt. (Saying things to deliberately hurt, such as, "You're just like your mother/father")

3. Don't try to make the other feel bad about themselves or feel guilty. Never deliberately cause harm to your partner.

4. Don't use silence or withdrawal of love as a battle tactic.

5. Don't behave in a cold and distant manner with your partner.

6. Avoid personal attacks on the other person. Instead deal with your own feelings and say what you want to be different.

7. Avoid interpreting your partner's motivation or behavior.

8. Make your fight specific.

9. Do not threaten to leave the relationship in a fight. Leaving is a decision, not a fight strategy.

10. Fight about an issue not "You don't love me or you would not have done this".

11. If the temperature gets too hot in a fight, reschedule the fight for a specific time so both can cool down.

12. Do not use blaming as a fight tactic.

13. Do not talk fast, loudly, or too long because it causes your partner to tune out.

14. Do not hold on to old hurts or bring up old arguments during fights.

15. Do not become addicted to being right all the time.

16. Do not try to defeat your partner. A fair fight is one where you each feel that you are okay emotionally.

and finally, 2 that I have added (added by the author):

17. No warnings about resorting to violence.

18. No violence!

Especially #2, 3 6, 7, 12, 13, 14 . Once in a while it does get hot on the LDA forum (and at this moment it isnt' hot, but I can see it leading that way). I thought a little reminder that one can refer to from time to time might be helpful to all.

"Fair fighting" may be idealistic, but we ARE also a community of sorts. There have been a couple of doozie of "discussions" on this board and I didnt' want the same thing to happen again. I'm trying to shut the barn door BEFORE the horse runs free.

This post is also just MY view. My S.O. doesnt' mind at all the previous types of 'discussions', but I do (goes back for me a long way and I don't care much for fighting in general). If I can prevent such heated exchanges in the future, I'll do my best to do it.

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666
Member
posted August 26, 2003 01:14 PM            
Well I was going to post a pin a person to a number...but my better judgement won out.

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Irascible
Member
posted August 26, 2003 02:26 PM            
Are you trying to get a rise out of me Devil? And is it "fair" to do that?

LOL! :P

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synack
Member
posted August 26, 2003 09:07 PM         
In case anyone other than me and Sailor cares (or even remembers), we've straightened out our differences over a situation a few weeks ago.

Being the elders of the group (is that a good thing or a bad thing?) I think we're able to more easily let things go. Just my opinion.

I think the older you get, the more you tend to appreciate what fights are really worth fighting. It's all perspective. Choose your battles wisely.

Everyone needs to believe in something, and I believe I'll have another beer.

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Sailor
Administrator
posted August 26, 2003 09:52 PM            
And I think I will join you synack - bartender 2 more please.

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May you always have a following Sea a cool breeze at your back and the comfort of those you hold nearest to your heart.
Sailor's Home Port


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Blue n Gold Sue
Member
posted August 27, 2003 02:20 AM            
synack, glad to know you and sailor worked things out. I just saw a new trend developing. There were a couple of threads that had the marking of potential hot and heavy.
I did chat one on one with a few of the posters and we have come to an understanding as to my motives (or at least I think we did). To anyone who cares, I tend to back away from any debate that gets hot and heavy. I dont' mind the debate, it is the mud slinging that gets to me. Debate away, have disagreeements, I'm all for that, but keep the debates/disagreements on track is all.

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=DNX= Matrix
Member
posted August 27, 2003 07:26 AM            
Any room at the bar for another old fudder-dudder like me ? :\

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666
Member
posted August 27, 2003 09:28 AM            
Ntus... I don't drink. I guess I will play with the kids next door.

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Race Hard...Race Fair...See You at the Race Line


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Sailor
Administrator
posted August 27, 2003 06:27 PM            
No objections from me Matrix. Welcome to join in and enjoy a round or three whichever comes later. LOL

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May you always have a following Sea a cool breeze at your back and the comfort of those you hold nearest to your heart.
Sailor's Home Port


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synack
Member
posted August 27, 2003 07:32 PM         
Absotively, Posilutely!

BarKeep! Set 'em up, if you'd be so kind.

The bloke on the end likes 'is room temperature. Go figure.

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Blue n Gold Sue
Member
posted August 27, 2003 07:42 PM            
I like mine room temp, too. Pour another, please

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synack
Member
posted August 27, 2003 07:53 PM         
ick ... warm beer

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Blue n Gold Sue
Member
posted August 28, 2003 01:41 AM            
NOT warm, just not ice cold

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Rex R
Member
posted August 28, 2003 01:48 AM            
room temp in this case usually in the summer runs about 65-70F(18-21C) and about 50F(10C) in the winter. you can find beer cooler tho, have to order lager.

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harmless
Member
posted August 28, 2003 05:59 PM            
cool...
draft guinness beer at room temp...
now you're talking!!!
[[ need to learn how to spell ]]

[This message has been edited by harmless (edited August 28, 2003).]

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SuperUnknown
Administrator
posted August 28, 2003 11:49 PM            
Guess number 18 pretty much screws us

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666
Member
posted August 29, 2003 09:30 AM            
let's see...that would be 6 at the bar...are there more coming?

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CyberCannon
Member
posted August 29, 2003 02:34 PM            
Sure, as long as they serve Sasparilla.

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An Irish Blessing
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again.
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

CC

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synack
Member
posted August 30, 2003 05:18 PM         
Make mine a Lager, then. (with an ozzy accent, if you please.)

Mind you, an IPA would be lovely as well.

A tasty doppelbach on a cool Autumn evening. Mmmmmmmm. Oktoberfest is coming.

Ah, I could go on ... so many beers, so little time

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Sailor
Administrator
posted August 30, 2003 09:09 PM            
I am with you synack. I have been many places over the years and tried many different beers and find the differences most enjoyable for different reasons. Guinness is a brew I enjoy (as does harmless obviously). I have enjoyed Japanese beers, English beers, Aussie beers, Spanish beers, and many others including many micro brews across the US and Canada. Variety is the spice of life and I am not leaving until I have had some more spice - LOL Setup another round barkeep and thanks to all for coming.

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May you always have a following Sea a cool breeze at your back and the comfort of those you hold nearest to your heart.
Sailor's Home Port


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